I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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