yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
