I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
