before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
