Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Couch. On fire.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize