Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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