btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
nutella sex= disaster
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
