I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
