what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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