I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
