Got a toothbrush?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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