My friends, they love my intelligence
My nipple is on Facebook.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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