i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
