new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize