I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
