Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
