I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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