maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You did what with his pubic hair?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
