Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
