He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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