drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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