IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize