you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
