Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
