The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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