I wish my penis had an off switch
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think people are normalizing furries
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