Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
