He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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