Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize