We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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