I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
