So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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