i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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