Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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