i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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