Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
