I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
