I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
