Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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