Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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