this beer tastes like vomit already
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
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