gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
