Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
