I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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