Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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