Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
