I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
