There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
