i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize