why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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