your parents love me but you hate me
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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