my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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