Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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