you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
