Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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