im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
