I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
