thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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