Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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