your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
