so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
