peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
