Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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