You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I am spending my child support on dildos
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Randomize
