im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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