The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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