I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
