I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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